It's a stretch!
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: I've seen far too many stories where squealing fangirls (You know who you are!) try and pair Xander with Angelus, so I decided to try and write a couple of scenes were they actually got along.
1. Chapter 1

**It's a Stretch**

**Disclaimer: I own no intellectual property that anyone has ever made any money off of.**

**(AN: I've seen far too many stories where squealing fangirls (You know who you are!) try and pair Xander with Angelus, which makes as much sense as pairing Anne Frank with Adolph Hitler; less even as Anne and Adolph were at least attracted to each other's gender. Anyway I've wandered off topic, I tried to picture scenes where they'd actually get along and truthfully even that's a stretch, but here they are. TN: Still alive!)**

0oOo0

As Angelus turned to leave the hospital he heard Xander mutter something under his breath. "What?"

Xander sighed. 'Figures I'd screw up my one bad-ass moment.' "I said 'despite everything I still prefer you to Angel.'"

Angelus wrinkled his brow in thought. "I tried to kill you and all your friends."

"Yeah," Xander admitted, "but at least you haven't brooded at me or sucked all the life out of the room by entering it and sitting in the corner feeling sorry for yourself."

"You think that's bad?" Angelus asked with a shudder, "When he's alone in his apartment at night he mopes and listens to the song Mandy over and over."

Xander winced.

"The bastard would have been a cutter, but I enjoy pain and blood too much so he stopped slashing his wrists; like that would kill a vampire anyway."

"Can hell really be any worse than that?" Xander asked aloud.

"Hey kid, I'll make you a deal..." Angelus said thoughtfully.

"What?" Xander asked cautiously.

"I'll make sure Willow survives anything I have planned, with nothing more than bumps and bruises, if you'll swear that if I'm ever stuck as Angel again … you'll make sure I'm dusted."

"Done!" Xander swore fervently.

Angelus nodded thoughtfully and left.

**AN: Let's face it, this is about as much interaction as I can see between the two working, in canon anyway.**

0oOo0

Angel, Buffy and Xander stood in a circle of light with weapons ready.

"You will be separated into two groups," a voice boomed from the darkness.

"But there's only three of us!" Buffy complained.

The voice continued as if she hadn't spoken, "Each group will be given a task, the group that best completes their task will be given a boon."

Before anyone could comment the group vanished.

Xander looked at his leather clad companion and sighed, "Joy I got Angel on my team. Couldn't you have gone with Buffy?"

"Who you calling Angel, boyo? I never could stand that bint!"

"Angelus?" Xander asked, backing away and raising his axe.

"In the flesh!" Angelus grinned wickedly.

"Assaulting your partner forfeits your boon and gains a geas of our choice," the voice boomed warningly.

Xander shrugged. "Well at least I'm not stuck with Angel."

"Yeah, I know the feeling." Angelus snorted, causing them both to crack up.

"So, what's the task?" Xander asked.

"Below you lies a camp," the voice announced, drawing the two's attention to their surroundings.

Angelus recognized the design of the place from Angel's work with the FBI.

Xander recognized it from pictures he'd seen in history class.

"You are to disable ten specific targets inside the camp."

"Unconscious or dead?" Angelus asked, knowing that working with a White Hat was seriously going to cramp his style, but wanting that boon.

"Either is acceptable."

"Are we back in time, and will our actions have any effect on history?" Xander asked intently.

"Yes, this place was chosen because regardless of your actions everyone in it dies in ninety days."

"So even if we save the campers they would still die?" Xander asked.

"Yes, history cannot be changed in any significant detail."

"How do we know which ten?" Angelus asked.

"They will each have a tattoo on their right shoulder of an eagle. You have 48 hours or until the other team completes their task. Begin."

"Fuck!" Angelus cursed. "There has to be over a thousand people in there, no way can we find and disable the ten we want in two days."

"3,764 not counting the guards," Xander said flatly, "or babies too young to leave skeletons."

"I hate impossible tasks," Angelus growled in feral fashion.

"Please, this is a cakewalk."

"What?"

"The ten guards that protect the Warden in charge of the camp are all part of an Elite unit who have tattooed their unit insignia on their shoulder, it's also the patch they wear proudly on their uniforms, so it's not hard to find. Four are guarding the Warden at all times with four sleeping in quarters and two doing miscellaneous jobs around the camp."

"That makes things easier," Angelus declared, beginning to grin. "Knocking out and securing ten guards isn't that big a deal. We know where eight of them are, so if we get the two floaters and then the four sleepers the remaining four will be cake."

The snapping of a twig behind them caused them to whirl around.

Angelus saw the young soldier, who couldn't have been much older than eighteen, but paused as he planned out how to attack him without killing him, as Xander's cooperation would be needed to gain the boon.

Xander had no such compunctions, his axe flashed across the distance between them and buried itself in the soldier's shoulder making him drop his rifle as he was knocked to the ground.

Angelus was surprised by the sheer viciousness of one of the White Hats using an axe on a young human, by the time he'd recovered Xander had already dropped and pinned the soldier to the ground and had a dagger at his throat.

"Tell me what I want to know and you'll die," Xander said in broken German.

The soldier laughed through the pain and responded in much more proficient English, "I think you mean 'tell me what I want to know or you'll die'."

"No," Xander corrected him coldly, "the quicker you tell me what I want to know the quicker you'll die. You know that a quick death is preferable to some of the things you've seen, and trust me when I say I know a few things even worse. What's it going to be?"

The young soldier quickly spilled everything he knew, his fear of being forced to go through some of the things he'd seen the prisoners go through made death seem warm and comforting.

Xander snapped his neck and handed the corpse to Angelus. "Drink up, you'll need your strength."

0oOo0

Buffy shook Angel's body like she'd been for the last five minutes, ignoring the booming voice. "Angel, you have to wake up!"

The ghost of Liam groaned and tried to figure out how ghosts could move things, so he could let Buffy know he was alright while she shook his corpse.

0oOo0

"Did they happen to remove your soul as well?" Angelus asked hopefully after he finished eating.

"Nope, still the same old Xander," the man in question replied as he checked the rifle.

"You always were the practical one," Angelus admitted, dropping the corpse. "Does this mean you won't bitch if I kill the ten?"

"Ten?" Xander asked. "You think too small."

0oOo0

"If you win the boon you can have him restored to life," the voice boomed finally gaining Buffy's attention.

"Really?"

"It is easily within our power. Complete your task before the other group and you can request it."

"Ok," Buffy said, gently laying Angel's body down. "What do I have to do?"

"You have forty eight hours to …"

0oOo0

"Aren't all you White Hats supposed to be all goody goody?" Angelus asked, an eyebrow quirked as he wondered when Xander's practical nature had crossed over into bloodthirsty.

"This camp is one of several that are in complete communications blackout; no one goes in or out, the large tents over there are filled with a variety of gases they are testing on the prisoners. In an attempt to cover everything up three months from now they will be bombed by their own people, killing everyone here," Xander said as he scanned the camp from cover.

"So since they're going to die anyway you don't mind me killing them now?" Angelus asked doubtfully, since all humans were pretty short lived as far as he was concerned.

"Better a quick death than spending months in here starving and being tortured, while watching your family and friends suffer the same fate, unable to help them."

"Good point. So I can just waltz in and kill everything in my path?" Angelus asked eagerly.

"Still thinking way too small," Xander replied. "How would you like to see this place go up like a roman candle?"

Angelus' eyes lit up, but he was wary enough to comment, "You do know I'm flammable right?"

"With the type of heat I'm talking about concrete is flammable. Relax, I plan on both of us being quite a distance from it."

0oOo0

Buffy's fist nailed the guard in the chin, removing his consciousness like a switch had been flipped. Dragging the guard into the dark she double checked his sleeve and smiled seeing the eagle. She remembered the voice mentioning those. 'Well, one down – nine to go!' she thought to herself stuffing the guard into a dumpster.

0oOo0

"You're sure this will work?" Angelus whispered while Xander taped a grenade in place and connected a wire to the pin.

"Yeah, the acid we coated the pipe with is slowly going to release the gas; flooding the camp with it. The guards will figure out what's wrong and scramble into their gas masks, but by that time the gas will be everywhere. With the camp fully roused someone is going to step on this wire and then all these pretty little grenades are going to set off the fuel tanks, which will cause a blaze hot enough to set off the gas. In other words we need to haul ass now!"

0oOo0

Buffy slipped out of the silent barracks. Her French may have been rusty, but it was enough to understand the information she'd had to beat out of the guy and now she had only four left to go.

The sudden ringing of an alarm made her groan. 'Oh well, at least the last four would be easy to find guarding the Warden's office.'

0oOo0

The alarm rang just after Xander hit the treeline. "Shit!"

Angelus quickly caught up and spoke easily, like they weren't sprinting, "How far do we have to go to be safe?"

"Far!" Xander panted, eyes wide.

Angelus tossed Xander over his shoulder and ran like there was no tomorrow, which unless they got the proper distance from this place was a good possibility for them.

They'd just reached the top of the ridge when it suddenly became day and the sky attacked them in full fury, screaming and hurling them down the other side.

As they finally came to a stop facing the night sky a pillar of flame towered over the place and they watched the trees atop the ridge catch fire.

"I can't believe you're a White Hat," Angelus stated as they regained their hearing.

"What can I say? Genocidal racists piss me off," Xander said with a mad grin, flames dancing in his eyes.

"I just want to remind you, I was an equal opportunity killer. I killed for the sake of it, not because I was better than anyone else due to an accident of birth."

"Noted," Xander remarked, still grinning.

0oOo0

Buffy's fist caught the guard in the stomach, dropping him to his knees where an elbow to the temple put him down. 'Two left,' Buffy thought when everything turned into light and she found herself standing in a circle next to Angel's body.

"You won?" Buffy asked Xander, seeing he was in his own circle of light and seeing Angel there next to him glanced down at Angel's corpse. "Wait, what?"

"Xander, Angelus – you have won the contest, state your boon."

"I never, ever want to share a body with the brooding wonder ever again!" Angelus said firmly.

"Granted!"

"Xander, look out!" Buffy yelled, futilely banging her fists against an invisible wall that surrounded her.

"I wish Angelus was on our side from here on out," Xander said cheerfully.

Angelus sent him a look of horror and betrayal.

"Without becoming a brooding moron," Xander quickly added, "more daywalker, less demon."

"Granted!"

The four appeared in the lobby of the Hyperion, startling the combined groups of demon hunters.

"We came, we saw..." Xander began.

"We torched its ass," Angelus misquoted, causing Xander to snicker.

"Why is there two of you?" Dawn asked. "And why does one look dead … well, instead of undead I mean."

"The Powers that Be Screwing Around With Us separated Angel from me, but without me he's just a ghost haunting a corpse," Angelus explained.

"And since Angelus was so much fun to work with, when he wished to never again be inflicted with Angel, I wished he'd be on our side from now on," Xander explained.

"But… But... Angel!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Feed a couple of drops of Mohra blood into him and he'll be fine," Angelus snorted. "I wouldn't advise trying it on a normal corpse, but since he's stuck in it, it should work."

"What happened?" Willow asked confused.

"The Powers snagged us for a pop quiz," Xander explained.

"And for this task they separated me and the Whine of Eternity onto two different teams," Angelus added.

"Whine of Eternity, I like that one," Xander snickered.

"Thanks, I had a lot of time to think them up," Angelus replied cheerfully.

"How about, Mopy Dick; the Great White Whaler?" Xander suggested.

"Master," Angelus said, falling to one knee and bowing his head.

"If you don't get to the point soon I swear to god I'm going to stake you," Buffy growled.

"Hey, no threatening Angelus!" Xander snapped. "The Powers have spoken and he gets a second chance."

"She wasn't looking at me when she said it," Angelus pointed out.

Xander grinned madly and pulled a fist sized green object off his belt. "Wanna play for blood Slayer? Then I'm your huckleberry," he drawled out in a fake southern accent.

"Human vs Slayer, the Slayer wins on account of Super Powers," someone called from the back of the group.

"Who needs super powers when you have a hand grenade?" Xander asked rhetorically.

Buffy's eyes widened and the crowd stepped back.

"Xander," Willow asked slowly, "where did you go for the test?"

"I was taking care of number five, of my top one hundred non-sexual uses for a time machine."

Xander didn't get a chance to say anything more because he suddenly had a redhead attached to his face.

"Grenade!" someone shouted and Angelus found himself diving on top of the grenade Xander had dropped.

Willow and Xander had vanished in a burst of light and after a few seconds everyone realized it wasn't going to explode and Angelus climbed back to his feet, holding the grenade in his hand.

"He didn't pull the pin," Angelus explained.

"Can you please explain what happened in ten words or less?" Cordelia asked, wanting to get everything settled.

Angelus nodded. "Powers, contest, teams, camp, Nazis, Xander, boom, prize, separate, bitch."

"Cool."

"Ok, we'll probably need more than that," Gunn suggested.

Angelus sighed. "The Powers grabbed Buffy, Angel, Xander, and me for a contest. We were separated into two teams."

Buffy opened her mouth, but Angelus held up the grenade and she quieted down.

"Me and Xander had to disable ten specific people in a Nazi concentration camp. The only clue we were given is they all had an eagle tattooed on their shoulder."

The crowd winced.

"Yeah, I figured it was an impossible task, but Xander asked some questions and it was revealed that no matter what we did that everyone there would be dead in ninety days. So we didn't have the option of rescuing any of the prisoners..."

Angelus scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Now, Xander knew a whole lot about the camp and pointed out to me that a quick death was preferable to being tortured and watching your loved ones tortured for the next three months before dying anyway, as the German's bombed the camp to try and hide the evidence. Xander apparently hates Nazis with a passion, he hates them more than he hates vampires."

There were a number of winces and muttered curses from those that knew Xander.

"Yeah, freaked me out too – anyway, long story short, we snuck in and set the entire place to blow. We barely made it out in time and the entire place was destroyed by a giant fireball, taking out all ten targets at once and winning us a request from the higher ups. I wished to never again be cursed with Angel and Xander wished I was a White Hat and we were all returned here."

"So, what's wrong with Angel?" Buffy demanded.

"Nothing, but without me he's just a well preserved corpse, haunted by a ghost. I told you, get some Mohra blood and you can probably resurrect him," Angelus replied.

"How do you know?"

"Dumb ass got some of their blood on him before and became human, but then he couldn't keep up with the slaying, so the Powers turned back the clock for him. Now why having a pulse meant he didn't have all the powers he got from my presence I have no idea."

"What do you plan on doing now that you're free?" Cordelia asked bluntly.

"I have this strange urge to head to New York," Angelus said scratching his chin.

**AN: Typing by Godogma, all hail!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Angelus and Xander Getting Along**

"Do you really think you can stop me boy?" Angelus sneered.

"Probably not," Xander admitted easily, "but she's not completely broken yet and I don't want you to get excited and jump the gun."

"What?" Angelus asked, freezing in place.

"You came here thinking end game, but she still has some fight left in her," Xander explained. "I want her as broken as Dru before you allow her the luxury of death."

Angelus could tell the boy was serious and he had to admit he was allowing his eagerness for the kill to color his perceptions. The girl was battered but not yet broken. "Why?" he asked, wanting to know why Xander of all people was helping him.

"I told her what she'd do if she got Willow killed," he said calmly as if he was discussing the weather, "and the spell to try and re-ensoul you took her life. You'd think they'd have realized that one girl casting a spell that requires nine people minimum would be too much, but they didn't and now my Willow is dead and all because of a Slayer who has a thing for dead guys."

Angelus shivered as he looked into the boy's cold dead eyes and against his better judgment he had to offer, "Ever thought of being turned? You could be on our side and help destroy her."

"Why is it everyone has such a hard time understanding what happens when you're turned?" Xander asked rhetorically. "If I let you turn me then I would be gone and a demon would be in my place, you're not and have never been Angel," Xander explained. "You have his memories and were forced to feel his suffering as if it was your own, but it was never, not for a single instant, you."

"Really?" Angelus asked, a hint of hope creeping into his voice.

"Really," Xander said firmly. "All the thoughts and memories from when he was alive were imprinted on you were born into his body, casting out his soul."

"And when I was cursed?" he asked, his eyes swirling with hope and need.

"The soul was ripped from the afterlife and you were forced to feel everything Angel felt and do what he chose, but not a single iota of it was you. Do you really think that you would spend a single second moaning over an underage girl or whining in the dark?"

"No! I wouldn't!" Angelus said as if a great weight was being lifted from his shoulders.

"That's right," Xander agreed, "you wouldn't. The memories and feelings of that time aren't yours they're his."

"And anything I may have felt any other time?" Angelus asked nervously.

"Programmed reflex," Xander said flatly. "Pavlovian reflex because of body and memory. Those feelings toward Buffy have been fading haven't they?"

"Yeah!" Angelus agreed, beginning to smile.

"You are a demon, you have always been a demon, you will never be anything else. I have memories of being a soldier because of Ethan Rayne, but I know for a fact I've never been in the military. So while I use whatever skills they offer me I don't let them define me. You need to stop letting human memories define you."

Angelus' grin was blissful.

"Now go out there and find a girl as much like Willow as possible, make her disappearance obvious and loud so Buffy hears about it. Leave clues that the girl is still alive to lure Buffy in and then kill the girl in front of her and tell her you did it because you didn't want her to beat your kill count so you had to kill a geeky redhead… just like she did."

"She'll lose her mind!" Angelus said in wonder. "But what if she snaps and goes berserk instead? You have to watch out for things like that when breaking someone."

"Child's play," Xander replied with a smile as empty as his eyes, "torture and abuse the girl while filming it, telling her to say hi to Buffy. Have a dozen monitors set up and hit play so she can see a dozen different scenes of the girl crying and cursing her while suffering."

"Beautiful," Angelus said in wonder. "I'm surprised someone with a soul could even conceive of a plot like that!"

"Funny thing about that; I gave Willow my soul when we were children, I guess she took it with her when she left."

Angelus looked into Xander's eyes and recalled why they seemed so cold; it was because nothing was behind them but an empty void like a starless sky over a hellish vacuum. Nodding to Xander he left, deciding not to bother with any plans to destroy humanity because as Spike said 'What would we eat then?'

**0oOo0**

**Angel and Xander **

"She's dating Spike?" Angel asked in disbelief.

"Yep," Xander agreed taking a sip of his beer.

"He didn't get a soul when I wasn't looking did he?" Angel asked hopefully.

"Still the same old soulless monster," Xander assured him.

"Is Buffy on some sort of medication?"

"I had her tested, she's clean," he said with a sigh.

"Is there some sort of medication we can give her?" Angel asked, waving at the bartender to get him another beer.

"I wis- would love for there to be something that makes her stop fucking corpses," Xander said bluntly.

"Hey, not dead, undead – not quite alive but definitely not a corpse," Angel argued.

Xander rolled his eyes. "You have no breath."

"I don't know CPR and I'm pretty sure sharing breath with the undead is unlikely to return someone to life."

"That makes more sense than I have no breath," Xander said.

"I was panicking, sue me!" Angel replied accepting a beer. "Can we get back to the Spike problem now?"

"Sure," Xander replied, "some government types stuck a chip in his head that shocks him if he tries to harm a human."

"You're joking?" Angel said in shock.

"Nope, big military disaster dealing with demons. We ended up empowering Buffy with an enjoining spell so she could take out a human demon hybrid cyborg with a nuclear core."

Angel just stared at him.

"Then the Slayer spirit attacked us all in our dreams to express her anger at intruding on her territory."

"Well... I have to put up with Cordelia," Angel said lamely.

"My life's a comic book," Xander said, "and I swear the Primal and the Slayer visit each other now."

"So what do we do about Spike?" Angel asked, deciding to ignore everything else Xander had said.

"I vote stake," Xander said, "despite the chip in his head he's betrayed us several times."

"You should date Dru," Angel said.

"What?" Xander asked wondering what that had to do with anything.

"Dating Dru would have driven anyone bonkers, that's why Spike's the way he is."

"The only two vamps I'd date are Buffy and Willow, who look hot as hell as vamps."

"Buffy?" Angel asked, wondering when and how he'd seen a vampiric Buffy.

"It was during the day when everyone's fears came to life; not important."

"So if we staked Spike, what would we tell Buffy?" Angel asked.

"She'd probably stake us both, living and undead."

"We can't just do nothing," Angel insisted.

"I know a demon who breaks kneecaps for fifty bucks," Willy offered, having drifted their way while cleaning the bar.

"I got a thousand I'm not doing anything with," Xander said with a grin.

"He said it was only fifty," Angel pointed out.

"When you buy beer do you buy a single can?"

"No generally I buy a case …" Angel trailed off and began to smile. "I got a thousand I'm not doing anything with either."

Xander turned to Willy, "Tell your demon we got someone whose knees we want broken … frequently."

Willy shrunk back. "Remind me not to piss you two off."

**AN: Typing by Godogma in between giggle fits. **


	3. Chapter 3

**It's a Stretch – The Cat Came Back**

**TN: … and so did the typist. (After our long hiatus, like the Portal computer we declare that we're still alive... The cake is delicious.)**

"Why are we hanging out again?" Xander asked Angel dubiously.

"Because you wouldn't hesitate to stake me if I lost my soul and the chances of you giving me a moment of perfect happiness are the same as winning the lottery if I didn't enter, using a past due phone bill," Angel explained.

"And why did I agree to this?" Xander asked.

"Because I agreed to train you, neither of us has an overabundance of guy friends, and it keeps me away from Buffy," Angel replied with a sigh.

"Well, it'd be an act of monumental stupidity on everyone's part to let you two near each other again," Xander said bluntly. "Plus in a few years you'll find some other underage girl to chase and it won't matter."

"I'm in love with Buffy, not her age," Angel argued.

"All I know is, you, a guy older than America, decided to date a high school girl," the black haired teen replied.

"And who am I supposed to date?" Angel asked. "Anyone my age is either dead, dust, or a demon."

"You aren't supposed to date anyone, you're dead! If you're really seeking redemption you're not going to find it in a young girl's panties."

"You'd know," Angel said.

"Yeah, I've looked – but I'm not seeking redemption I'm..." Xander trailed off.

"Seeking revenge?" Angel finished.

Xander sighed. "Partly. I'm not working from pure motives, I admit, but on the whole I am trying to save lives. Anyway, this isn't about me, it's about you."

"Well in my day, Buffy was of marriageable age and we didn't look down on age differences the way you do today."

"Didn't think of that," Xander admitted.

"The idea that women are incapable of making informed choices until they're 18 is pretty offensive if you ask me."

"It's applied to both sexes," Xander pointed out.

"But is only really enforced on women," Angel said. "It's an outgrowth of the idea that women are property to be protected, not people able to make their own decisions."

"Never thought of that either, but it makes sense."

"In my day girls Dawn's age would already have decided who they wanted to marry and would spend the next two years being trained in how to run a household and be a good wife, while the two were introduced to each other formally. Marriage was for the sake of having a family, so they had to make sure they were compatible and fertile with each other. If the young woman got pregnant during the courtship it was considered a sign from above and they were wed."

"Fine, I can't really fault you on Buffy's age," Xander admitted.

"Thank you."

Silence fell as Angel drug out training mats and Xander stretched.

0o0o0

"I told you they'd be fine," Willow said smugly as they watched Angel teach Xander how to fall via her laptop.

"I'll reserve judgment until I see them sparring," Buffy replied.

"Formal introductions," Dawn muttered softly as she watched Xander work up a sweat.

"Good taste, but too late," Cordelia told her, amused.

0o0o0

"So, why Cordelia?" Angel asked, taking a break to let Xander catch his breath.

Xander wiped the sweat from his face with a towel. "Why Cordelia?" he repeated.

"Yes, why did you choose Cordelia?"

"Cordelia..." Xander trailed off for a moment. "Can I choose the shallow answer and say boobs?"

"No." Angel shook his head firmly.

"Cordelia turned out to be everything I thought Buffy was," Xander replied.

0o0o0

"What?!" Buffy and Willow exclaimed simultaneously.

"You?" Dawn asked Cordelia.

"Me?" Cordelia said with a stunned look on her face.

0o0o0

"Seriously?" Angel asked.

"Seriously," Xander replied. "Remember, Buffy was the Cordelia of her school before she became the Slayer."

"True," Angel agreed.

"Neither one has a body you can ignore, but in addition to looks they are both strong women."

"I can see that," Angel admitted.

"Good, and now for our final answer," Xander joked. "Cordelia upon finding out about the real world couldn't turn and walk away."

"And how is that different from Buffy?"

"Buffy has said it a thousand times; she didn't ask to be the Slayer, she doesn't want to be the Slayer. She's tried to turn and walk away a couple of times."

"She came back."

"Because she had no choice. Cordelia has a choice and look what she's chosen to do with it. Plus, Cordelia wasn't given special powers to make it easier. Cordelia, for all her bitching, started helping when none of us even liked her."

"Buffy might have done the same if it wasn't forced on her," Angel said loyally.

"And there might be a time line where we're all vampires and the Master won," Xander replied with a shrug. "All I know is what is; and what is, is that Cordelia Chase has all the qualities I thought I saw in Buffy, along with the best rack west of the Pecos."

0o0o0

"I'm sure he didn't mean it," Willow tried to console Buffy.

"He's right," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I don't want to be the Slayer. I've never wanted anything more than a normal life and I can't say what I would have done if I was given a choice, because I wasn't."

"Just you wait; I'm pretty sure I get my breasts from mom's side of the family and they have just begun to grow!" Dawn swore to a grinning Cordelia.

0o0o0

"Caught your breath?" Angel asked.

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "Bring on the swords."

"Okay," Angel said handing him a bamboo sword much to Xander's surprise. "I'm going to swing and you've got to dodge and block the follow up shot."

"You're telegraphing your moves," Xander noted after the first couple of blocks.

"We're programming your reflexes, not testing your speed or fighting skills," Angel replied. "Once you can dodge and block without thought we'll work on programming in some basic attacks."

"You make it sound like a video game," Xander panted out, stepping back and bringing his sword up to block, though the power of the blow pushed him back a step.

"It's not far off," Angel admitted. "There are basic and advanced attacks and defenses; each of which counters another. Moves that aren't one of them may surprise your opponent, but most of the time they're wastes of energy and leave holes in your defenses."

"No branching out until I have the basics mastered, gotcha."

"What about Willow?" Angel asked, having scented her on Xander.

"No clue, it came out of left field," Xander admitted, not bothering to try and hide anything.

"But you have suspicions," Angel said knowingly.

"Yeah, I have three off the top of my head," Xander agreed.

"So, let's hear them."

"Ethan and his band candy."

"Possible," Angel said thoughtfully. "Buffy told me it made people act foolish and caused some strange couplings."

"And he's not the only mage we've pissed off; but even though I suspect magic I think I know what's really pushing us together," Xander said with a sigh.

0o0o0

"Is there something you want to tell us?" Cordelia demanded frostily while Willow shrank down in her seat.

"Not really..." Willow replied.

0o0o0

"And what's pushing you together?" Angel asked.

"Aphrodite, as punishment for the spell I attempted to have cast on Cordelia."

"The love spell?" Angel asked.

"See, I was thinking about the whole situation and how mad I was that someone would deliberately manipulate our emotions to make us hurt each other and how unfair that was… and then I remembered what I almost did to Cordelia."

"Didn't the spell backfire?"

"Yes, teaching me not to play with magic, but if the lesson was that screwing with affections is wrong, Aphrodite may feel I got off too easy, especially since I got back together with Cordelia."

"And your third guess?" Angel asked, though that last one sounded likely.

"Someone has plans for Cordelia and regularly manipulates things to make her break up with her boyfriend before it gets too serious," Xander replied seriously.

"I'm not so sure about that one," Angel said.

Xander shrugged. "I think Cordelia is destined to do great things, but then I am biased."

Angel almost smiled. "Well, maybe a little."

"So, I need your help procuring a sheep!"

"What?!"

0o0o0

"What?!" the girls watching chorused.

0o0o0

"I have three ways to solve this problem," Xander explained.

"Off the top of your head?" Angel asked cautiously.

"Off the top of my head," Xander agreed with a grin.

"Let's hear them," Angel said with a sigh.

"One, a sacrifice for Aphrodite as an apology, in hopes she stops."

"A cow may work better, but the Greeks did prefer sheep for sacrifices," Angel admitted.

"Number two is what I like to call: applied psychology."

"Applied psychology?" Angel asked doubtfully.

"Yes, applied psychology. Specifically, Pavlov."

"Conditioning?" Angel guessed.

"Exactly; we take a couple of pics of Willow and Cordelia, dressed to the nines and looking good. We hand you a baseball bat and a box of twinkies."

"You want me to beat you with a baseball bat?"

"Only if the sacrifice doesn't work," Xander declared firmly.

"And your third choice?" Angel asked.

"Resorting to magic."

"I can see why you put that at the bottom of the list," Angel admitted.

"Aphrodite is my first choice as both cause and cure, because I believe divinity trumps magery."

"And if it's not magic and just hormones?" Angel asked.

"Aphrodite can fix that too, but failing that we have the bat."

0o0o0

"Your boyfriend is insane," Buffy told Cordelia.

"And yours is a corpse," Cordelia replied snarkily.

"I wouldn't mind if he loved Willow as long as he loved me too," Dawn said.

"I'm selfish," Cordelia replied easily.

0o0o0

"Of course to keep you from being too happy during the beatings you'll have to dress like one of those pansy, French, Anne Rice vamps," Xander told him.

"Please goddess let the sacrifice work," Angel prayed.

0o0o0

"Your boyfriend is insane," Buffy repeated.

"Learn to share!" Dawn ordered.

"I don't think Oz would be okay that," Willow admitted.

"Not you." Dawn said and poked Cordelia in the side. "Stop bogarting all the Xander!"

"I'm not-" Cordelia began. "Well, actually I am," she admitted, "and I'm still not sure whether to kill him or not."

"More Xander for me," Dawn replied easily.

"You can't have Xander!" Buffy told her.

"You chose the dead guy," Dawn replied, "you snooze you lose."

"You're too young for him," Buffy complained.

"What's the age difference between you and Captain Hair-gel again?" Dawn grinned evilly and Cordelia decided that she might have to go easy on Xander.

**AN: Back in the saddle again!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Angel and Xander: Parker? I Hardly Knew Her!**

Angel was surprised to see Xander when he stepped out of his office. "Xander? What's wrong? Is Buffy ok?"

"It's nice to see your heart is in the right place, if not in the right condition," Xander replied. "Buffy is physically fine, but emotionally...not so much. She fell for a line from one of those scumbags who likes to try and sleep with all of the incoming Freshmen and then dump them."

Angel winced like he'd been hit. "Well...It's her life," he finally said. "I don't know what I can do about it. I mean, sure I'd like to kill the guy, but cutting off his head and burying him in a shallow grave in the desert between here and Sunnydale is probably over-reacting."

Xander's mouth opened and closed several times without him saying anything as he got a thoughtful look on his face. After a moment, he shook his head. "Let's use that for Plan B."

"We can't just kill a guy for being scum," Angel said with a sigh. "If he was a serial rapist it'd be a different matter, but from the sound of it, you're just talking about a guy with lousy morals who is smooth with women and preys on the young and naive ones."

"Yes," Xander agreed, holding back a comment about Angel that sprang to mind. "However, I'm not talking about harming the guy physically; I'm talking about playing a little prank."

"A prank?" Angel asked dubiously.

"One that requires you to be an FBI agent assigned to the Center for Disease Control and get shot and die," Xander replied.

"I'm listening," Angel said.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Angel straightened his tie and made sure his ID badge was in his pocket. It felt strange to pretend to be an FBI agent when he had actually been one in the past, he thought to himself.

"You look fine," Xander assured him. "And, there's Parker now."

Angel looked over at the young Lothario and froze. "Xander?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't have any brothers, do you?"

"No, why?"

"Because...never-mind." If no-one had commented on how much Parker looked like Xander, Angel sure as hell wasn't touching that hornet's nest.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I swear, I didn't know!" Parker swore.

Angel just shook his head as he drug Parker down the sidewalk handcuffed to his left arm. "I don't judge them, I just arrest them."

"Hard to believe there was someone like that here," Xander said as everyone watched in silence.

"Like what?" one of the drunken frat boys asked.

"That G-man was from the CDC," Xander said loudly just in case someone at the party hadn't heard Angel when he'd 'arrested' Parker.

"What's the CDC?" someone asked.

"The Center for Disease Control," Xander said with a sigh, deciding he had to spell things out for them. "It means Parker had some serious STDs and was deliberately passing them around."

"Oh God!"

As panic spread through the frat, Xander walked away whistling a cheerful tune, job done.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"Where are you taking me?" Parker asked, sure they were walking in circles around the campus, as people pointed and stared at him.

"Forgot where I parked," Angel lied, deciding enough of the campus had seen Parker in handcuffs and that Xander was probably in position by now. "A shortcut," Angel said, pulling him down the path into the park.

Parker looked around nervously, not sure why walking through the park made him nervous, but subconsciously knowing it was a bad idea.

"Freeze!" a voice called out of the darkness.

Angel drew his gun with his right hand. "Who are you? Show yourself! I'm a Federal Agent in pursuit of his duties. Interfering with me is a federal crime."

The click of a gun being cocked was loud in the darkness. "He broke my little sister's heart," Xander called out in a fake Italian accent.

"Oh God!" Parker whined from behind Angel. A shot rang out and Angel screamed and clutched his shoulder as blood spattered Parker's face.

Parker shat himself.

Angel clawed at his keys with his free hand, quickly uncuffing Parker from him. "I'll hold him off, you run!" he ordered.

There was a loud crack as a bullet went through Angel's chest. Angel dropped limply to the ground, eyes wide and staring at nothing.

Parker ran like the hounds of hell were after him.

After a couple of seconds, Angel got up. "I think that did it."

"If not, the infected blood I injected him with while he was passed out this morning should be enough," Xander said, stepping out of the shadows.

"What?" Angel asked.

"I injected him with blood infected with Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and Chlamydia," Xander replied.

"Then, what was all this about?" Angel asked, rubbing at the still healing hole in his chest.

"Adding insult to injury, and it insures he doesn't spread it around before getting treated. With the rumors flying around, he's going to have to move to Alaska to get laid."

"And, that I can get behind," Angel said with some satisfaction. "Now, let's get me back to LA before we run into Buffy or Willow and have to explain things."

"I'll drive," Xander replied.

**AN: Typing by Lucilla!**


End file.
